daverea.com

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been innundated with Windows PCs that need fixing. Friends, co-workers, you name it – everybody’s got viruses or spyware or porn gumming up their PC’s innards, and I’m the guy to fix it. And I have no problem with this, given the checks, gift certificates, bottles of scotch, etc. that seem to accompany every job!

Of course, this has given me a nice showcase of (what I’m sure is a small fraction of) the major issues that Windows has. And I got to thinking – what with all this “smart gun” technology that’s being pushed in New Jersey, what would happen if Microsoft made guns? And so, in the tradition of all those cheesy e-mail forwards you get to the tune of “If Microsoft made Cars…”, I give you:

IF MICROSOFT MADE GUNS…

1) …You could purchase a gun from one of many vendors, but it would only be offered with Microsoft brand ammunition. By handling the gun, you’d implicitly agree to accept the ammunition’s license terms. There would be no way to obtain a refund if you did not wish to use the Microsoft ammunition.

2) …You would always be leary about using your gun for hunting or self-defense, for fear you might get a “blue trigger of death” at a critical moment.

3) …Your gun would come with a handsome sticker that proudly proclaims “Made for AmmoXP!” that you’d prompty remove and adhere to your toilet seat.

4) …In order to keep your Microsoft gun functioning somewhat properly, you’d have to purchase third-party software like Norton Anti-Jam or McAfee BarrelScan.

5) …During shooting practice, a small, annoying, animated paper clip would constantly do acrobatic tricks and offer to help improve your marksmanship.

6) …The Justice Department would maintain a docket of antitrust suits over Microsoft’s monopolization of the smokeless powder industry.

And last but not least:

7) Cabbies would opt for the old MS-DOS style guns, mathematicians and artists would go with the new semi-transparent iGun from Apple, and real snipers would use Linux guns!